The Shameful Loaf

I know it's the third time I've posted today, but I have a confession to make and it can't wait. My mother will be ashamed of me, and all of you will try to console me and tell me that it's not that bad, but you know it is. Please don't judge me. And I know it's not that bad - I mean, I buy other processed things, like sugar and flour and honey. But this is different.

I bought a loaf of whole wheat bread.

-sigh-

I know. So bad. Perhaps the worst part about it is that it's soooo goooood and I just want to eat it allllll. RIGHT NOW. With butter or without. It's delicious.

As a small consolation, it only has six ingredients, all of which I possess and might attempt to turn into a loaf sometime in the future - whole wheat flour, water, salt, yeast, honey, and blackstrap molasses. It's made by local people, all organic, and not overly packaged. But somehow, I can't get over the guilt. Somehow, I don't know if I can forgive myself. Somehow, I don't know how to justify $3.79 for a loaf of bread (on sale), even if that bread is fantastically good. Bread has to be made with love and patience and soul in order to be good, and it's odd to me to eat bread made with love that doesn't know me - with a love that is for the bread and the bread alone. This is probably my mother's fault. A few years ago, when I was 13? 14? she started baking bread on a regular basis, no bread machine, no nothing, because it was "good for her Karma." She won all these lovely awards at fairs, and has never looked back since. Naturally, when I moved to Canada I took her recipe with me, and I used to try to reproduce the wonders that she could at least once every week or two, with minimal success. My loaves were always flat and sad and completely lacking in that nutty flavor, the soft crumb, the oven spring. So I've just about given up, finding myself at the end of my bread-tether, unable to make the thing that I really love eating, and unable to justify buying the successful loaves that come from others' kitchens. It is a conundrum. But, well, these are things to experiment with. I'll keep trying. And keep posting.

Kate